“… you have to do the work.”

Kaylyn and Rebeca enjoying the lights of the city.

The 58th Annual, San Sebastian International Film Festival has been in town this last week, filling the small streets and theaters of Donostia with glitz, glam, and even more foreigners than usual. All the hype and excitement has been even more entertaining than the films themselves, as locals and tourists alike fill the walkways out side of the beautiful Hotel Maria Christina and the architecturally stunning Kursel theater, crowding around, trying to catch a glimpse of passing celebrities. Otherwise a rarity in our town, advertisements and billboards have popped up around the city and overstuffed buses running until all hours the night can be seen carrying energetic crowds of movie goers clutching their precious film guides and tickets. Despite the extra traffic, I honestly will be sad when all of it’s gone. While the rest of Donostia revels over the glorious fact that the lovely Julia Roberts is here, I still find myself reveling in the glories of the lovely Donostia- film festival, tourists and all.

Last night I went with a few girl friends to the headlining movie “Eat, Pray, Love.” Or “Come, Raza, Ama.” en Español, in which Julia Roberts plays the part of Liz, a recently divorced, world traveler trying to find herself. The film was in English with Spanish subtitles, and generally enjoyable except for occasionally illogical scenes which are bound to happen when one condenses a very well written book into a very short film. Each of the main parts of film struck a cord with me for a different reason and it’s easy to appreciate the irony of watching such a film while living abroad.
In the first part of the film our character Liz is struggling with the knowledge that her marriage is over, her heart feels empty and she finds herself anxious but determined to move to Europe. One of the characters during this phase of the film talks about “…being miserable together but happy not to be apart” and while I certainly wouldn’t describe my life back home as being miserable I can certainly relate to the fear of change and of leaving what’s comfortable. I am still in this process- I am still very much in my comfort zone here (with classes, and friends and roommates all speaking various amounts of English), and I realize that I could easily live the entire next year without ever really being in Spain. I could easily conduct my day-to-day life in about 90% English- talk, read, write, think, feel, pray, experience, process, travel and live in English… and never let this beautiful culture change me… but I choose otherwise. I choose to live here, en El Pais Vasco! And to this end I am ready to get uncomfortable. To get unnerved. To admit that I am foreigner who knows nothing but that I am not a tourist who doesn’t care. I am still in the process of letting go of my “old life” and learning to embrace this one…
The second part of the story takes place in a beautifully decomposing neighborhood in Rome, where Liz learns to enjoy the simple pleasures of good food, good friends and a beautiful language. In the film Americans are stereotyped as being unable to fully relax, enjoy life, or feel that they deserve the unthinkable luxury of time “to do nothing.” I. Can. Re-late! It’s awful how uptight, frustrated and detail oriented I constantly feel. Somehow no matter the circumstances I always seem to give myself so much stuff  “to do” that I can never really enjoy any of it. Here, what should be a relatively easy life schedule compared to home, somehow withers away in front of me each day filled with nothing but homework and American acquaintances. How frustrating! However, last Tuesday I finely met my Spanish conversation partner and we went out for a drink before meeting up with friends for dinner. It felt so good to spend 45 minutes doing nothing but talking, watching soccer and enjoying the BEST cup of hot chocolate I’ve ever had in my life.

For the final lesson from “Eat, Pray Love” I end not with the last part of the movie, but with the part I came here to work the most on: prayer. In the film our friend Liz finds herself living in an Ashram in India, overwhelmed by her own thoughts and inability to focus or find the illusive “peace” she so desperately desires in her life. Everyday she goes through the motions of prayer and meditation, but not until she finds something outside of herself to pray and mediate for does she actually begin to connect with her spiritual practice and those around her. A fellow American at the Ashram relentlessly reminds Liz every time that she starts to complain, that you can’t use anything, including meditation, as a fast way out of your own suffering. “… you have to do the work!” You have to plant your ass on the cushion, stop talking, stop complaining, stop aching and whining about how difficult it is and just work through the frustration and the boredom until you learn how to listen. To be silent. To feel. To be present. And to forgive your self for all of the crap you think is wrong with you or needs to be “fixed.” As my old Buddhist friend Amos once told me, “You are perfect just the way you are.”

This is where I’m at right now. In need of prayer. In need of quiet. Willing to give up all the words in English that I could use to try and define myself and impose some made-up identity that doesn’t really exist. Once I commit to only speaking Spanish- I really won’t have a lot I can say- and this- this will make all difference. Maybe I will even learn how to let go. Relax. Savor food and time with friends. Pray, listen and love…